June 5, 2008
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Rusty: You scared?Linus: You suicidal?Rusty: Only in the morning.
nearly every morning that i wake up, i hit an almost palpable wave of despair. i mean, like when you open the front door of a house in a humid southern state in mid-july, this despair feels like a heart attack.
this has gone on for years.
i don't remember when it started. i'm used to it now, in the fact that it doesn't make me crawl back in bed or fail to move on about my day and walk it off like a charlie horse received in gym class. it usually disappears completely, on good days, or at least dissipates into a melancholy or an angerball, on bad days.
if i'm up late enough, it creeps back at night, in time to crawl in bed with me.
* * * *
i'm not sure what this means, if anything. i'm not sure what to do about it, if a solution exists. if it's not really a problem, does it have a solution? i have this nagging sense that there must be an alternative to feeling bricks on your chest each morning.
the boy's pastor experiences the opposite. he feels amazing first thing in the morning, and it slowly wears off during the day. his son, an atheist, is more alike to me. despair for breakfast, and perhaps happiness or contentment as an afternoon snack.
it's bothersome to me. actually, to say it's bothersome is just the detatched general "i'm sharing this with people i haven't seen in person for years" way to discuss it. sometimes the worry is that one day this storm is going to take me under -- or, perhaps worse, just drain the color in my life until it looks like television in the fifties. and not in the good nostalgic way.
any thoughts on this? anyone feel the same way - i mean, for years? despite absolute feelings of joy, and triumph, and being a very hopeful, optimistic and lively person?
it feels like this anchor to my boat that i have to reel up every morning. that's all i'm saying.
that, and i seem to have a dearth of boat metaphors in my life lately.
Comments (4)
for six years i delayed going to bed because i was afraid of waking up to doom/apocalypse. i couldn't watch the news in the morning. i finally just knuckled down and got counseling. it helped some, but the lasting change was gradual. i read good books by Godly people and i told someone who i knew had a bat line to God who prayed with me until i got a breakthrough.
i'm no professional, but i think discussing it the way you are means you are ready to deal with it, which may be a process, but is possible.
one thing i am really confident of is that God did not "put this on you" to teach you some sort of lesson. that is not substantiated by scripture. if you ever want to pray together about it, call me.
i stewed about this while blow-drying my hair.
i definitely want to pray with you if you like and i am going to pray for you this morning. if you send me your address, i will send you some things in the mail (again, if you like).
it makes me very angry that this is happening to you. it has no place in your life. absolutely none.
takin care of business, becca. i agree with her though. you should call me sometime. i am not feeling so posty mceprops about it, but we could chat.
I had the feeling of dred when I worked for MCI -- about 3 months in. I hated getting up in the morning because it meant that I had to go to work. I hated going to bed because it meant morning would come.
Do you know the source of the dread? Can you narrow it down? Elimiate it from your life and you'll see a new bounce in your step!
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