“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the
thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty… you fall half
in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

--h. caulfield

i like being a girl.

although, i don't really think i'm THAT girl, the type of girl who inspires fictional characters to spring epithets like that.  it reminds me of when kj told me the story of how her youth pastor sat her down and called her a temptress or seductress or something like that (if my memory serves me correctly), and how that was meant to be an admonishment, but kristin laughed and thought of how ridiculously untrue that was, but somehow complimentary. 

we may not have the devastating secret girl powers like THOSE girls - the ones who could pull an orange out of their pocket and everyone thinks it's a miraculous artistic talent (you know who i'm talking about), but perhaps we carry our power in our magic bracelets, like wonder woman.

i have no idea why i'm thinking these things right now.

so, i have no job as of august 25th.  my boss, code name flamingo, said they did not have the money to keep me part-time and hire my replacement.

i'm pretty mixed about the decision, which i can best describe in one word: shortsighted.  however, i only have my side of the vision on this, so i'm just going to let that one go.

part of me feels very sad to leave my favorite coworkers, who i adore, and even the ones who are odd, as they give me entertainment and plenty of fuel for my internal scorn furnace.  i'm nervous to leave the stability of being at the same place, in a job i know and have seniority, where i have spent the last four years.  i loathe the idea of looking for a new job, a part-time job, and trying to navigate this.  i'm excited about the idea of new possibilities, and being able to focus more on my education.

i'm one of those people who really actually wants to learn, and be a really good educator.  i hope that can happen. 

emerson said "we are always getting ready to live, but never living."

that's the best way to sum up a little how i feel.  nothing like god shaking your whole world up like a snow globe that pushes you out of your mind.  figuratively, and literally.

"per capita, minneapolis produces more rock critics than any city on earth.  if you meet a rock critic who isn't from new york, there's a 33 percent chance they were raised (or once worked) in the twin cities."

-- killing yourself to live, chuck klosterman

why do we think this is true? 

"pina colada weekend" was a very good idea.

nearly every morning that i wake up, i hit an almost palpable wave of despair.  i mean, like when you open the front door of a house in a humid southern state in mid-july, this despair feels like a heart attack.

this has gone on for years.

i don't remember when it started.  i'm used to it now, in the fact that it doesn't make me crawl back in bed or fail to move on about my day and walk it off like a charlie horse received in gym class.  it usually disappears completely, on good days, or at least dissipates into a melancholy or an angerball, on bad days. 

if i'm up late enough, it creeps back at night, in time to crawl in bed with me.

*  *  *  *

i'm not sure what this means, if anything.  i'm not sure what to do about it, if a solution exists.  if it's not really a problem, does it have a solution?  i have this nagging sense that there must be an alternative to feeling bricks on your chest each morning.   

the boy's pastor experiences the opposite.  he feels amazing first thing in the morning, and it slowly wears off during the day.  his son, an atheist, is more alike to me.  despair for breakfast, and perhaps happiness or contentment as an afternoon snack.

it's bothersome to me.  actually, to say it's bothersome is just the detatched general "i'm sharing this with people i haven't seen in person for years" way to discuss it.  sometimes the worry is that one day this storm is going to take me under -- or, perhaps worse, just drain the color in my life until it looks like television in the fifties.  and not in the good nostalgic way.

any thoughts on this?  anyone feel the same way - i mean, for years?  despite absolute feelings of joy, and triumph, and being a very hopeful, optimistic and lively person? 

it feels like this anchor to my boat that i have to reel up every morning.  that's all i'm saying. 

that, and i seem to have a dearth of boat metaphors in my life lately.

perhaps i am thinking about my FABULOUSLY awesome watch that the valedictorian of boyfriends got for me.   this, yes this is the fabled watch from such posts as "i have a decision making disorder" and "pre-purchase buyer's remorse."

and it, in case you haven't gathered, is totally boss.

phew.

i'm exhausted.  in the last few weeks i have done the following:

1. gone on vacation.  although this was rather fantastic, the days leading up to it were incredibly hectic, since my boss in her infinite wisdom decided to have 4 new people start the week i go on vacation, when i am the main trainer.  good times.  coming back from vacation, equally as exhausting.

2. moved out of my house.  roommate kayla is getting married on july 5th, and they are staying in the house we were sharing.  i could have technically stayed for june, but i wanted to save having to pay a month's rent, and i also did not want to be moving out the weekend before kayla got married and have both her and me be stressed out.

3. i am now living with my parents.  sigh.  now, this is much better than it sounds, as i am living in their basement suite, which means i have a spacious bedroom, livingroom, mini-kitchen, bathroom and spare bedroom all to myself.  no rent, no utilities, no nothing.  but it still is living with the parents.

4. i told my boss i am going part-time in the fall or i have to quit.  and that i will be quitting officially next fall, if i go part-time.  this is mainly why i am living with my parents currently.  my boss took it very well, and i should know in two weeks if i will be able to work very part-time in the fall.  i hope so.

5. i am now a junior in school.  i am at university of colorado, and have to go to real classes on the campus now.  the next year is nearly all english classes, then student teaching and education classes for my senior year.  my loans only pay part of my tuition, and i don't qualify for any scholarships.  this should be fun.

6. the boy is moving here.  he's been trying to sell his business, but has decided that if he doesn't have a buyer by labor day, he's shutting it down and moving here shortly thereafter.  for anyone who has done any kind of distance thing, you will know how fantastic that is.

so, that has taken much of my time over the last month or so, and i've been a somewhat large ball of stress, which i just can't have because it's SUMMER.  geesh.

pina coladas, anyone?

" I'm in Los Angeles today...
It smells like an airport runway..."

Mike: What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Sue: Hey man, you're not from here, alright. You don't know how it is. I grew up in L.A.
Trent: Anaheim.
Sue: Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.

although i am glad to be on vacation, i can say that vacation is very different when you are with a 13 year old girl who has never been out of colorado or the adjoining 3 states to colorado.  on one hand, the bigger hand, it's fun going around with someone who has only seen the airport on television, and gets really excited when the plane takes off; or someone who can't believe how sunny california is because she has never seen a PALM TREE OH MY GOSH LOOK AT THAT TREE HOLY COW!  on the other hand, the smaller selfish hand, i am bombarded with constant words, and i'm running out of responses.  it feels at times a little parent-y, and it makes me wonder if i will ever be good at this.  they say it's different when they are your own, and i believe it.  but still.  it means dragging your sorry butt down to the pool when they want to go swimming for the 2nd time in a 4 hour period because you can't let them go by themselves, but also being somewhat interested in what they are doing.  it's responding to them in conversation, even at 8:30am in the morning when i never talk to anyone, just because they start talking immediately.

my nerves are fraying at the ends, the residue from a few long weeks of school finals, being sick, and working 12 hour days.   i hear salty air is the cure.  i hope so.

strange things are afoot at the circle-k.